Post by Adrienne Lena on Dec 26, 2007 20:41:54 GMT
Adrienne and I walked back to my appartment after the incedent at the Three Broomsticks. I could tell she was hurting, and it made me sad to think of her in that kind of pain. The pain of feeling unwanted... not just feeling it, but knowing it. At least, thinking that you know it.
At least now I understood what that expression on her face had been. The one I couldnt figure out. And I had been right; it was more complecated then I had imagined, and I just couldnt understand it.
"Tristan?" She looked at me, her large blue eyes emploring me not to joke, not to be distant, not this time. I knew the difference between the times when I had to make light of her problems, and the times when I had to be serious. Some how, I just knew. I always had, since we were kids. When we were kids I would get angry at how easily she got away with things, but now that I was older and seeing those eyes from a different angle, I understood; it was impossible to say no.
"Yeh?" I smiled, tentitivly, but I was listening. We kept walking, and she wasnt looking at me. She was looking at the ground beneath her feet, frowing slightly. She had a slight wrinkle on her nose, between her eyes.
"Do you think... I mean, does George," she sighed, determined, and I knew now that she was just going to come out and say it. "Do you think George wants me?"
I stared, not able to articulate what I thought at that statement. Eventually I stopped gawking like an idiot and found my tongue.
"Yes! Addie, of course he does." He loved her, didnt he? I didnt have to wonder why he did either.
"But," she continued, and I frowned too as she questioned my answer, "Im not like I used to be, I guess Im just... going through a phase. A weak moment," she looked thoughtfull as she tried to explain, "And Im not that pretty, maybe-"
I cut her off which such blunt shock that I wished afterwards I had been more tactfull, "Adrienne.... your beautiful!"
Idiot...
She blushed and I didnt blame her. We were in silence after that. No doubt she thought Id had one too many firewhiskeys. Well, if it extinguished the doubt in her mind, then I was glad I had said it. I had never really thought about it before, never looked at her properly, but that didnt mean I was blind... now I thought about it, yeh. Adrienne was beatiful.
I looked at her now though. Her face was slightly flushed, probobly more from the cold then from my comment. Her skin was perfect, lightly golden, and it looked even more so in the glow from the street lamps. Her hair was dark, and right now it was around her shoulders, and flecked with snow. She had a cute face, but I know how quickly it can turn; it can become so furious you feared for your life, or so effortlessly sexy that she could tempt anyone. And as for the rest of her...
It was my turn to blush now. I was looking at my best friend.. well, lets just say below the belt. Not that I hadnt noticed before; when I had been a teenager just starting to go through all the 'natural changes', Adrienne had been the one to get all the looks, all the thoughts which I was helpless too. It passed though, I met other girls, girls who didnt demand much respect, and I didnt let myself think of Adrienne in the same way I thought of those sluts... she was far too special for that. She was my best friend, and if nothing else I respected her. So I forgave myself for that momentary lapse.
We made it to my appartment in silence... not an uncomfortable silence though. Just a peacefull silence. The way I liked it. Other girls- and guys too- wanted to talk till the cows came home. Talk talk talk about meaningless shit. Adrienne wasnt like that, she understood me. I was never one for mindless talking. I caught her eye, and smiled, and she smiled back. That was one thing that I could always rely on in Adrienne.
"So this is your new place?" She said, as we climbed the stairs and made it to my door; apparment 9F. It was in a nice place, not exactly the ritz, but better then I was used to. It was modest, but pleasent, and I was strangely proud to be able to provide such a nice place; growing up, we had seen much worse.
"I like it," she grinned as she looked around the small kitchen/living room. There was a couch, a coffee table, a arm chair, and a lamp. The window overlooked the street below, and Hogsmead could be seen in the distance. The kitchen was smaller still, but it had everything I needed; cooker, fridge, table, chairs, and a counter with a sink. My bedroom was to my left, and the bathroom was through a small door right ahead of us.
"Really?" I asked, grinning too as I took off my coat, and she followed suit, "Im glad. I like it here. And I have a good job now... well, it pays." I shrugged, sheepishly. It was just working in a shop, but it was better then a job I could get in London. Adrienne had written to me, telling me now nice it was here. One day I decided to find out for myself.
"Good!" Adrienne said, genuinly delighted at my sucsess. "And now you'll be around more often. Ive missed you... a lot." she was suddenly more serious, and looked up at me almost sadly. I caved, and moved closer.
"I know, I missed you too," I hugged her, keeping it friendly, "but hey, now it will be just like old times, like when we were kids," I tickled her, only slightly, but she squealed and tried to wriggle away.
"Cut it out!" she hit me, but it was playfully. I let her go.
"You'll have to stay here tonight," I said, looking out of the window at the dark sky and swirling snow. "Im not having you walking back to Hogwarts in this. And I know all about the security, and the curfew. Im sure they wont miss you if your gone one night. And if they do, you can blame the snow." That was starting to become a very real excuse. Soon the snow would turn into a full blown blizzard.
"Ok, ok," Adrienne said, putting up her hands in mock defeat. "you've twisted my arm, Ill stay," she looked at the clock, "Merlin, its getting late. Good thing we left the Three Broomsticks when we did, or we would have been sleeping there." I looked at the clock too; 12:30am. The time had flown.
"You dont have school tomorrow, do you?" I asked absent mindedly.
"You mean Saturday?" She replied, raising an eyebrow. "No, not that Im aware of anyway." she sat down on the couch, smiling.
I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm. "Good," I said, "that means theres no need to get you back at some ungodly hour."
"How do you think I feel dragging myself out of bed at those hours?" She said, and I had to admit, she had me there. "Well, I supposed its easier to get up when Im in an empty bed."
I hadnt expected that. I looked at her, and saw her staring out the window. She was doing that more and more lately, so that I had seen coming. What I hadnt expected was to hear something so... so... mature, so expressive of her needs, so... womenly. Something that someone who knew exactly the many differences between the cold, empty bed, and a warm one with someone to share it with. I knew I knew those differences, but I hadnt thought that she did too. But then again, of course she would. How could she not? She and George had been going out for a long time, and they loved eachother... of course they had had sex. Probobly more times then I could count... probobly more times then I had! A slight anger rose inside me as I thought of him touching her; didnt he realise that it was Adrienne? My Adrienne. The Adrienne that I had grown up with. She was just a little girl.
But that last comment made had made me realise she wasnt. I wasnt really angry at George, I had known what was going on all along, just never let myself think about it. I was feeling more then anger though.... curiosity at the fact that Adrienne was all grown up and doing... stuff. I blushed again, and cursed myself.
"What is with you?" Adrienne asked, catching my blush.
"Nothing," I mumbled, and looked away. She just shrugged. I was feeling something else too, and I was too confused trying to figure out what it was to come up with a better answer. But it was no use, so I pushed it from my mind.
"Well, I guess its for the best," Adrienne said, as though continuing a conversation. She always did that. 1...2...3...
She realised, and corrected herself, "I mean, its for the best that hes not there. That we are on a break." she paused, "But I miss him." this time her voice was quieter, and I could hear the unreleased pain in it. I crossed the room, and knelt in front of her.
"Hey..." I said, soothingly... or as soothingly as I could. I wasnt great at this stuff, but Adrienne always made it so easy for me, so I continued. My hand found her cheek as I tried to comfort her, my best friend. Her skin was soft, softer then I had expected, but I didnt let myself get distracted by stupid things like that. "He loves you. This break wont last long, trust me. And I know he wants you," she opened her mouth, but I answered her question before she even spoke, "Because," I said, "because your wonderful Adrienne. Your beautiful and dont you forget it." She closed her mouth, and I smiled slightly, just looking at her, looking at the slight ease in the pain that I could see on her face, and feeling glad; I had done that.
But then I noticed how close we were, how intimet the position was, and I cleared my throat, standing up. "We should get to bed," I thought for the first time about my double bed in my room... my only bed.
Adrienne nodded, and stood up, "Good thing too," she said, "Im exhausted." She didnt seem to mind... surely she must have guessed that there was only one bed. I thought about offering to take the couch, but before now we had shared beds without even thinking about it. And I didnt want to make things awkward, did I? So I followed Adrienne into the room.
Before now we had changed in front of eachother, never getting naked or anything, but underware was perfectly acceptable. Before now I had never batted an eyelid (well, that wasnt entirely true, but I was big on self denial) at my friends body. But before now we had been younger, and we hadnt seen eachother in a while. And now that body belonged to someone else; it had 'George Weasley' written all over it. So we both turned our backs to eachother, showing some curtosy. I changed quickly; jeans, hoodie, and t-shirt off, sweats on, and that was that. I climbed into bed, and looked at Adrienne to see that she hadnt even started yet; she had her wand out and had only just finished conjuring night clothes for her to wear. She still had her back to me, and I intended to look away, but somehow, I just couldnt.
She pulled her shirt over her head, and she was standing her her jeans and a bra. I stared openly at her, immensly glad that she couldnt see. I blushed, for the third time that night, as I knew I should look away but couldnt. What harm could come from looking? I admired the curve of her back, how slim and delicate she looked. Her hands moved to her jeans button, and she started undoing them. And God, it felt like an eternity for it to happen, like everything was in slow motion. I was fighting an internal battle with myself, and I was loosing. Slowly, the jeans came away. She slid them down her thighs, and I swallowed. She was standing in front of me in her underware, her back to be, giving me a good view at at least one thing. She bent down to pick up the t-shirt and this time I really went red, and I sincerly hoped it calmed down before she turned around. What was this girl doing to me? Finally, she pulled on the sweats, and I breathed I sigh of relief, thinking it was over. But as I looked back up, I saw her sliding her bra out of the sleeve of her shirt, and swallowed again; that one move had more impact then one of the sluts I had taken home had standing naked before me.
She turned, and I looked away, trying to act casual. I dont think she noticed, and apparently, my blush was gone. But that was it, I told myself, that had been nothing but raging hormones, and the moment had passed. All I needed was a good nights sleep, and everything would be fine. She wasnt half naked now, now I could relax.
Adrienne climbed into bed with me, and I felt it move with the weight of her. It turned out there were a million more factors I hadnt taken into account. Her scent hit me as she lay down next to me; warm and enticing, with a slight hint of a sweet perfume. I could feel the heat coming off her body, and realised I had over estimated the size of my bed. It was a double bed alright, but a rather small double bed. She was closer then I would have liked. She smiled at me, a slow, warm smile, and I couldnt help but smile back as I looked at her face. She was lying next to me, and I was careful to keep some distance between us.
"Goodnight," her voice was soft, but I had to keep mine from breaking as I spoke.
"G-" I cleared my throat, "goodnight." She smiled, and turned off the light. We were thrown into darkness.
Good, I thought, this should help. But soon the room was filled with the sounds of her slow breathing, and I couldnt get to sleep. She had always moved around when she slept. When we were younger it had been annoying, but now it was torture. I would feel her moving closer to me, and my heart would jump, then she would move away and I would relax, ignoring the other feeling. All the while I was repeating the same word to myself in my head, over and over.
Hormones, hormones, hormones...
Just hormones... that was all. But the more I said it the more clear it became to me that I was lying to myself.
Then she rolled right over, and her arm found my chest. I froze. I think I may have stopped breathing. I willed her to move away again, it was too much for me to handle when she was like this, but she moved closer, resting her head on my bare chest. My heart almost stopped then. She must have thought I was George, because she was still asleep, and I was terrified of waking her. She snuggled closer to me, and I tried to stay calm. I could feel her long, soft hair on my skin. I could smell her, the scent that had always calmed me down in the past, because it reminded me of home and made me feel safe, but now it was so tantalising I could hardly stand it. Her hand was on my chest, and I tried very, very hard not to focus on that. Good Merlin, what was she trying to do to me? She was pressed against me, her legs, her stomach, her...
I stopped myself there, and tried to keep it that way, though I wasnt sucsessful. I remembered being like this with her only once, and it had been a long time ago, before George, when she had been very upset... but even I couldnt fool myself into thinking that I was just as relaxed now as I had been then. I was anything but relaxed. I closed my eyes, and tried to fall asleep, though my mind was trecherous, and wandered as I started to drift off...
When I woke up she wasnt there. I glanced around the room, and found that her bedclothes and her day clothes were both gone. She must have changed and gone into the kitchen. What time was it? I looked at the clock; 11.:29am. I started to think about how I had fallen asleep, and sat up at once. Had she woken up to find herself not lying next to George, but with her arms wrapped around me? My half naked body against her? And my mind had wandered last night, into relms that were normally kept locked away... had there been something else in the bed that might have given me away? I glanced down, and sighed with relief. I was fine... now, anyway. I realised that it may not have been like that all the way through the night... but I wasnt some desperate 14 year old. I could control myself. With that comforting (if doubtfull) thought, I got up. I dressed slowly, dreading the moment I would open the door and see her in the kitchen... but it would come, and come it did. Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door, reminding myself to act normal.
Adrienne looked up as I entered, and smiled, although it was slightly nervous. "Morning," she said, and looked back down at her orange juice, blushing, but only slightly.
"Morning..." I said slowly. Maybe it wasnt all that bad... maybe she had woken up to find herself in my arms, but that was is. Maybe she was embaressed, thinking it was all her fault, and that I wasnt happy with it. But apparently, my body hadnt given me away this morning.
Given what away? There was nothing to give away! Nothing! I told myself that over and over, although it was futile. We went about our morning routine in almost complete silence, only making small talk. My mind was elsewhere. Did I have... feelings, for Adrienne? For my best friend? For the girl who I grew up with... who, I reminded myself, had a boyfriend who she was madly in love with. It couldnt be possible... was it just lust? Something about the effect the scent of her hair had had on me made me think that it wasnt. Was it- I braced myself for the blow- love? That one, I was glad to find, I could honestly answer, making me glad I had asked myself. No, I wasnt in love with her. I loved her, sure, but as a friend... but I liked her, and- I blushed as I thought the word to myself- lusted for her, as something different.
Oh fuck.
"Whats with the blushes?" Adrienne asked, exasperated. Shit, she had seen. "Is there something your not telling me," she grinned, playfully, "a special boy in your life, perhaps?" she laughed and nugded me in the ribs, while I tried not to get close to her. Apparently, she didnt have these feelings, if she was able to laugh and joke and get so close to me.
"Haha, very funny," I said, walking around the table and sitting down. I smiled, trying to put her at ease so she wouldnt ask again.
Not more then half an hour later, I walked her to the door, holding it open as she put on her coat.
"Thanks for letting me stay." she said, though she didnt meet my eyes as she said it.
"No problem," I said. Yeh, that was the understatment of the century...
"Ill see you soon," she smiled warmly, but bypassed the hug... thank god. Maybe she was still slight awkward from this morning.
"Bye," I said, at an attempt to sound normal. She smiled again, and walked out the door. Once she had turned the corner, I closed it behind her, and leaned against the hard wood, closing my eyes.
I had feelings for my best friend. Now that I had admitted it the thought came easier, though it was still hard. I had stronger feelings for her then I had had for anyone else... and I was terrified.
Shit...
At least now I understood what that expression on her face had been. The one I couldnt figure out. And I had been right; it was more complecated then I had imagined, and I just couldnt understand it.
"Tristan?" She looked at me, her large blue eyes emploring me not to joke, not to be distant, not this time. I knew the difference between the times when I had to make light of her problems, and the times when I had to be serious. Some how, I just knew. I always had, since we were kids. When we were kids I would get angry at how easily she got away with things, but now that I was older and seeing those eyes from a different angle, I understood; it was impossible to say no.
"Yeh?" I smiled, tentitivly, but I was listening. We kept walking, and she wasnt looking at me. She was looking at the ground beneath her feet, frowing slightly. She had a slight wrinkle on her nose, between her eyes.
"Do you think... I mean, does George," she sighed, determined, and I knew now that she was just going to come out and say it. "Do you think George wants me?"
I stared, not able to articulate what I thought at that statement. Eventually I stopped gawking like an idiot and found my tongue.
"Yes! Addie, of course he does." He loved her, didnt he? I didnt have to wonder why he did either.
"But," she continued, and I frowned too as she questioned my answer, "Im not like I used to be, I guess Im just... going through a phase. A weak moment," she looked thoughtfull as she tried to explain, "And Im not that pretty, maybe-"
I cut her off which such blunt shock that I wished afterwards I had been more tactfull, "Adrienne.... your beautiful!"
Idiot...
She blushed and I didnt blame her. We were in silence after that. No doubt she thought Id had one too many firewhiskeys. Well, if it extinguished the doubt in her mind, then I was glad I had said it. I had never really thought about it before, never looked at her properly, but that didnt mean I was blind... now I thought about it, yeh. Adrienne was beatiful.
I looked at her now though. Her face was slightly flushed, probobly more from the cold then from my comment. Her skin was perfect, lightly golden, and it looked even more so in the glow from the street lamps. Her hair was dark, and right now it was around her shoulders, and flecked with snow. She had a cute face, but I know how quickly it can turn; it can become so furious you feared for your life, or so effortlessly sexy that she could tempt anyone. And as for the rest of her...
It was my turn to blush now. I was looking at my best friend.. well, lets just say below the belt. Not that I hadnt noticed before; when I had been a teenager just starting to go through all the 'natural changes', Adrienne had been the one to get all the looks, all the thoughts which I was helpless too. It passed though, I met other girls, girls who didnt demand much respect, and I didnt let myself think of Adrienne in the same way I thought of those sluts... she was far too special for that. She was my best friend, and if nothing else I respected her. So I forgave myself for that momentary lapse.
We made it to my appartment in silence... not an uncomfortable silence though. Just a peacefull silence. The way I liked it. Other girls- and guys too- wanted to talk till the cows came home. Talk talk talk about meaningless shit. Adrienne wasnt like that, she understood me. I was never one for mindless talking. I caught her eye, and smiled, and she smiled back. That was one thing that I could always rely on in Adrienne.
"So this is your new place?" She said, as we climbed the stairs and made it to my door; apparment 9F. It was in a nice place, not exactly the ritz, but better then I was used to. It was modest, but pleasent, and I was strangely proud to be able to provide such a nice place; growing up, we had seen much worse.
"I like it," she grinned as she looked around the small kitchen/living room. There was a couch, a coffee table, a arm chair, and a lamp. The window overlooked the street below, and Hogsmead could be seen in the distance. The kitchen was smaller still, but it had everything I needed; cooker, fridge, table, chairs, and a counter with a sink. My bedroom was to my left, and the bathroom was through a small door right ahead of us.
"Really?" I asked, grinning too as I took off my coat, and she followed suit, "Im glad. I like it here. And I have a good job now... well, it pays." I shrugged, sheepishly. It was just working in a shop, but it was better then a job I could get in London. Adrienne had written to me, telling me now nice it was here. One day I decided to find out for myself.
"Good!" Adrienne said, genuinly delighted at my sucsess. "And now you'll be around more often. Ive missed you... a lot." she was suddenly more serious, and looked up at me almost sadly. I caved, and moved closer.
"I know, I missed you too," I hugged her, keeping it friendly, "but hey, now it will be just like old times, like when we were kids," I tickled her, only slightly, but she squealed and tried to wriggle away.
"Cut it out!" she hit me, but it was playfully. I let her go.
"You'll have to stay here tonight," I said, looking out of the window at the dark sky and swirling snow. "Im not having you walking back to Hogwarts in this. And I know all about the security, and the curfew. Im sure they wont miss you if your gone one night. And if they do, you can blame the snow." That was starting to become a very real excuse. Soon the snow would turn into a full blown blizzard.
"Ok, ok," Adrienne said, putting up her hands in mock defeat. "you've twisted my arm, Ill stay," she looked at the clock, "Merlin, its getting late. Good thing we left the Three Broomsticks when we did, or we would have been sleeping there." I looked at the clock too; 12:30am. The time had flown.
"You dont have school tomorrow, do you?" I asked absent mindedly.
"You mean Saturday?" She replied, raising an eyebrow. "No, not that Im aware of anyway." she sat down on the couch, smiling.
I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm. "Good," I said, "that means theres no need to get you back at some ungodly hour."
"How do you think I feel dragging myself out of bed at those hours?" She said, and I had to admit, she had me there. "Well, I supposed its easier to get up when Im in an empty bed."
I hadnt expected that. I looked at her, and saw her staring out the window. She was doing that more and more lately, so that I had seen coming. What I hadnt expected was to hear something so... so... mature, so expressive of her needs, so... womenly. Something that someone who knew exactly the many differences between the cold, empty bed, and a warm one with someone to share it with. I knew I knew those differences, but I hadnt thought that she did too. But then again, of course she would. How could she not? She and George had been going out for a long time, and they loved eachother... of course they had had sex. Probobly more times then I could count... probobly more times then I had! A slight anger rose inside me as I thought of him touching her; didnt he realise that it was Adrienne? My Adrienne. The Adrienne that I had grown up with. She was just a little girl.
But that last comment made had made me realise she wasnt. I wasnt really angry at George, I had known what was going on all along, just never let myself think about it. I was feeling more then anger though.... curiosity at the fact that Adrienne was all grown up and doing... stuff. I blushed again, and cursed myself.
"What is with you?" Adrienne asked, catching my blush.
"Nothing," I mumbled, and looked away. She just shrugged. I was feeling something else too, and I was too confused trying to figure out what it was to come up with a better answer. But it was no use, so I pushed it from my mind.
"Well, I guess its for the best," Adrienne said, as though continuing a conversation. She always did that. 1...2...3...
She realised, and corrected herself, "I mean, its for the best that hes not there. That we are on a break." she paused, "But I miss him." this time her voice was quieter, and I could hear the unreleased pain in it. I crossed the room, and knelt in front of her.
"Hey..." I said, soothingly... or as soothingly as I could. I wasnt great at this stuff, but Adrienne always made it so easy for me, so I continued. My hand found her cheek as I tried to comfort her, my best friend. Her skin was soft, softer then I had expected, but I didnt let myself get distracted by stupid things like that. "He loves you. This break wont last long, trust me. And I know he wants you," she opened her mouth, but I answered her question before she even spoke, "Because," I said, "because your wonderful Adrienne. Your beautiful and dont you forget it." She closed her mouth, and I smiled slightly, just looking at her, looking at the slight ease in the pain that I could see on her face, and feeling glad; I had done that.
But then I noticed how close we were, how intimet the position was, and I cleared my throat, standing up. "We should get to bed," I thought for the first time about my double bed in my room... my only bed.
Adrienne nodded, and stood up, "Good thing too," she said, "Im exhausted." She didnt seem to mind... surely she must have guessed that there was only one bed. I thought about offering to take the couch, but before now we had shared beds without even thinking about it. And I didnt want to make things awkward, did I? So I followed Adrienne into the room.
Before now we had changed in front of eachother, never getting naked or anything, but underware was perfectly acceptable. Before now I had never batted an eyelid (well, that wasnt entirely true, but I was big on self denial) at my friends body. But before now we had been younger, and we hadnt seen eachother in a while. And now that body belonged to someone else; it had 'George Weasley' written all over it. So we both turned our backs to eachother, showing some curtosy. I changed quickly; jeans, hoodie, and t-shirt off, sweats on, and that was that. I climbed into bed, and looked at Adrienne to see that she hadnt even started yet; she had her wand out and had only just finished conjuring night clothes for her to wear. She still had her back to me, and I intended to look away, but somehow, I just couldnt.
She pulled her shirt over her head, and she was standing her her jeans and a bra. I stared openly at her, immensly glad that she couldnt see. I blushed, for the third time that night, as I knew I should look away but couldnt. What harm could come from looking? I admired the curve of her back, how slim and delicate she looked. Her hands moved to her jeans button, and she started undoing them. And God, it felt like an eternity for it to happen, like everything was in slow motion. I was fighting an internal battle with myself, and I was loosing. Slowly, the jeans came away. She slid them down her thighs, and I swallowed. She was standing in front of me in her underware, her back to be, giving me a good view at at least one thing. She bent down to pick up the t-shirt and this time I really went red, and I sincerly hoped it calmed down before she turned around. What was this girl doing to me? Finally, she pulled on the sweats, and I breathed I sigh of relief, thinking it was over. But as I looked back up, I saw her sliding her bra out of the sleeve of her shirt, and swallowed again; that one move had more impact then one of the sluts I had taken home had standing naked before me.
She turned, and I looked away, trying to act casual. I dont think she noticed, and apparently, my blush was gone. But that was it, I told myself, that had been nothing but raging hormones, and the moment had passed. All I needed was a good nights sleep, and everything would be fine. She wasnt half naked now, now I could relax.
Adrienne climbed into bed with me, and I felt it move with the weight of her. It turned out there were a million more factors I hadnt taken into account. Her scent hit me as she lay down next to me; warm and enticing, with a slight hint of a sweet perfume. I could feel the heat coming off her body, and realised I had over estimated the size of my bed. It was a double bed alright, but a rather small double bed. She was closer then I would have liked. She smiled at me, a slow, warm smile, and I couldnt help but smile back as I looked at her face. She was lying next to me, and I was careful to keep some distance between us.
"Goodnight," her voice was soft, but I had to keep mine from breaking as I spoke.
"G-" I cleared my throat, "goodnight." She smiled, and turned off the light. We were thrown into darkness.
Good, I thought, this should help. But soon the room was filled with the sounds of her slow breathing, and I couldnt get to sleep. She had always moved around when she slept. When we were younger it had been annoying, but now it was torture. I would feel her moving closer to me, and my heart would jump, then she would move away and I would relax, ignoring the other feeling. All the while I was repeating the same word to myself in my head, over and over.
Hormones, hormones, hormones...
Just hormones... that was all. But the more I said it the more clear it became to me that I was lying to myself.
Then she rolled right over, and her arm found my chest. I froze. I think I may have stopped breathing. I willed her to move away again, it was too much for me to handle when she was like this, but she moved closer, resting her head on my bare chest. My heart almost stopped then. She must have thought I was George, because she was still asleep, and I was terrified of waking her. She snuggled closer to me, and I tried to stay calm. I could feel her long, soft hair on my skin. I could smell her, the scent that had always calmed me down in the past, because it reminded me of home and made me feel safe, but now it was so tantalising I could hardly stand it. Her hand was on my chest, and I tried very, very hard not to focus on that. Good Merlin, what was she trying to do to me? She was pressed against me, her legs, her stomach, her...
I stopped myself there, and tried to keep it that way, though I wasnt sucsessful. I remembered being like this with her only once, and it had been a long time ago, before George, when she had been very upset... but even I couldnt fool myself into thinking that I was just as relaxed now as I had been then. I was anything but relaxed. I closed my eyes, and tried to fall asleep, though my mind was trecherous, and wandered as I started to drift off...
When I woke up she wasnt there. I glanced around the room, and found that her bedclothes and her day clothes were both gone. She must have changed and gone into the kitchen. What time was it? I looked at the clock; 11.:29am. I started to think about how I had fallen asleep, and sat up at once. Had she woken up to find herself not lying next to George, but with her arms wrapped around me? My half naked body against her? And my mind had wandered last night, into relms that were normally kept locked away... had there been something else in the bed that might have given me away? I glanced down, and sighed with relief. I was fine... now, anyway. I realised that it may not have been like that all the way through the night... but I wasnt some desperate 14 year old. I could control myself. With that comforting (if doubtfull) thought, I got up. I dressed slowly, dreading the moment I would open the door and see her in the kitchen... but it would come, and come it did. Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door, reminding myself to act normal.
Adrienne looked up as I entered, and smiled, although it was slightly nervous. "Morning," she said, and looked back down at her orange juice, blushing, but only slightly.
"Morning..." I said slowly. Maybe it wasnt all that bad... maybe she had woken up to find herself in my arms, but that was is. Maybe she was embaressed, thinking it was all her fault, and that I wasnt happy with it. But apparently, my body hadnt given me away this morning.
Given what away? There was nothing to give away! Nothing! I told myself that over and over, although it was futile. We went about our morning routine in almost complete silence, only making small talk. My mind was elsewhere. Did I have... feelings, for Adrienne? For my best friend? For the girl who I grew up with... who, I reminded myself, had a boyfriend who she was madly in love with. It couldnt be possible... was it just lust? Something about the effect the scent of her hair had had on me made me think that it wasnt. Was it- I braced myself for the blow- love? That one, I was glad to find, I could honestly answer, making me glad I had asked myself. No, I wasnt in love with her. I loved her, sure, but as a friend... but I liked her, and- I blushed as I thought the word to myself- lusted for her, as something different.
Oh fuck.
"Whats with the blushes?" Adrienne asked, exasperated. Shit, she had seen. "Is there something your not telling me," she grinned, playfully, "a special boy in your life, perhaps?" she laughed and nugded me in the ribs, while I tried not to get close to her. Apparently, she didnt have these feelings, if she was able to laugh and joke and get so close to me.
"Haha, very funny," I said, walking around the table and sitting down. I smiled, trying to put her at ease so she wouldnt ask again.
Not more then half an hour later, I walked her to the door, holding it open as she put on her coat.
"Thanks for letting me stay." she said, though she didnt meet my eyes as she said it.
"No problem," I said. Yeh, that was the understatment of the century...
"Ill see you soon," she smiled warmly, but bypassed the hug... thank god. Maybe she was still slight awkward from this morning.
"Bye," I said, at an attempt to sound normal. She smiled again, and walked out the door. Once she had turned the corner, I closed it behind her, and leaned against the hard wood, closing my eyes.
I had feelings for my best friend. Now that I had admitted it the thought came easier, though it was still hard. I had stronger feelings for her then I had had for anyone else... and I was terrified.
Shit...